


Broken Inside

by TheAceOfSpaceHasYourFace



Category: Stray Kids (Band)
Genre: Angst, Aromantic Yang Jeongin, Aromantic centric angst, Dad™ Chan, I make my baby cry, Jeongin centric - Freeform, There's no ships, and ??? but gay felix, and pan jisung, but in this house we support bi bang chan, it ends up happy i swear, this was kind of a self projection
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2018-02-02
Updated: 2018-02-02
Packaged: 2019-03-12 13:02:27
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 2,450
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/13547871
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/TheAceOfSpaceHasYourFace/pseuds/TheAceOfSpaceHasYourFace
Summary: Jeongin doesn't understand what's wrong with him. He's never had a crush before, and everyone else around him has. When a particularly bad day tries him, he runs home to Chan who comforts him.





	Broken Inside

**Author's Note:**

> So this is about how it feels to be aromantic before finding the label, and how it feels to find words to describe one's experiences.
> 
> It's a little centered around my own experiences, and I really wanted some representation, so I made some myself. 
> 
> Enjoy ❤️

It was 3 o'clock on a Friday morning and Jeongin should have been asleep already. He knew that he had school in just a couple of hours, but that didn’t help him at all. The thought just stressed him out even more. 

 

They not only had a debut to prepare for, fansigns to go to, and Jeongin had tons of homework, but there was one other thought pressing on his mind. It kept him up too late too often and he hated it.

 

There had been a lot of girls at the fansigns who seemed to want something from him, and he was painfully aware of what they wanted. Most of them were close to his age (thank goodness), but a lot of girls tended to look up at him batting their eyelashes or blushing. 

 

He had thought that as the maknae he wouldn’t get this as much, but it still happened too often. Jeongin still ended up feeling alone, and  he was painfully aware that he couldn’t reciprocate those feelings, ever. It wasn’t because they were his fans, but because he knew he had never had those feelings for anyone before.

 

The other boys would sometimes talk about having crushes on people. Chan once had a crush on Park Jihyo from his trainee days, Felix talked about this one kid from his year 4 class once when it was just the team, and Jisung has talked about every single person he was ever attracted to as they walked past (as long as there wasn't a camera watching them). As far as Jeongin could tell, it was normal to have these feelings as early as grade school.

 

So why didn’t he? Was there something broken in him? He turned over in his bed, hoping he wasn’t bothering Hyunjin. Maybe soon he’d get up the nerve to talk to Chan about it. Chan was always so kind, and surely he knew what was wrong with Jeongin.

 

For now, though, Jeongin needed to try to sleep for a bit before he had to get up for school.

He tried a couple of breathing exercises to get his mind off of everything else, and ended up dozing off in no time. 

 

All too soon, Hyunjin’s alarm went off signaling the start of a new day, but more importantly, the start of Jeongin’s last thirty minutes of sleep for the night. Jeongin was so very thankful for Hyunjin’s silence as he got up and let Jeongin drift back asleep

 

When the second alarm went off, Jeongin begrudgingly got up and trudged to the kitchen where a microwaved breakfast was waiting for him already (privy of a kind Woojin’s preparation last night and Hyunjin’s microwave “skills”). 

 

Hyunjin had already left because he had to catch an earlier bus than Jeongin. Jeongin ate alone, listening to music in his earbuds and scrolling through Twitter. While he went through the “StrayKids” hashtag, he happened upon a post that called him “boyfriend material”. He knew that was a positive thing, and that it was supposed to make him proud, but it just made him uncomfortable. He shook it off, though, forcing himself to feel proud, and got up to go to school. 

 

After the short bus ride, he made it to the performing arts high school. His friend, Hwayoung, then ran up to join him. 

 

“Hi Jeongin-ah!” she started excitedly. “Are you excited for today?” He looked up at her questioningly. Was there something he missed in his busy schedule?

“Did you forget about the dance?” Hwayoung asked.

 

Oh yeah.  _ That. _

 

The dance had been hyped six ways to Sunday. Posters, announcements, public proposals, the whole shabang. He knew he was expected to want to go and ask some girl out, but everything about it made him uncomfortable. He smiled down at her, obviously strained. 

 

“You really  _ did _ forget. Wow,” Hwayoung commented.

 

“I did not!”

 

“You did, and now you’re going to have to pick a random girl to be your date. Unless you have someone particular in mind,” Hwayoung said while leaning so obviously and uncomfortably toward him that he had to physically restrain himself from pushing her away. 

 

“Maybe I’ll just not go.”

 

“But you have to!” She was visibly upset at this point. School hadn't even started yet, and he didn’t know what to do. 

 

When the first bell finally rang, Jeongin breathed a sigh of relief before running off, feeling a little guilty for leaving Hwayoung when she was so upset, but he really was just glad he didn’t have to deal with her anymore.  _ What is her problem? _

 

The first hour of the day wasn’t a problem. Math was hard sometimes, but today it was really easy. It was mostly graphing. Afterward, Jeongin’s teacher pulled him aside to talk about his grades, and he made a plan with her to keep up with Algebra  _ and _ the upcoming debut. 

 

On his way to his next class, a dude he recognised but barely knew from a grade above him stopped him in the hall. 

 

“Hey, dude, everyone’s asking now that you’re in a real group. Who do you have a crush on? Is it Hwayoung?” 

 

This is fine, he is fine. He’ll just answer honestly and get out of here.

 

“Sorry, I don't have any crushes.” 

 

He was trying to be as respectful as possible so he could leave, but this guy kept  _ pushing.  _ He looked over his shoulder and then back at Jeongin. 

 

“It’s okay, you can tell me. I’m just curious. I won’t tell anyone else.” He winked at the last bit as if they were in on a secret together.  _ What secret?  _

 

“I was telling the truth, I don’t have any crushes. Ask me another time, let’s hope I have one then,” Jeongin spat out, barely able to hold back. He knew this guy didn’t know how he was broken, and it wasn’t his fault, but it didn’t stop the disregard to his answer from feeling like salt in Jeongin’s already stinging wound. 

 

Tears threatened to pool up in Jeongin’s eyes, but he blinked them back as he pushed himself away towards Korean History, shouldering past the boy.

 

Korean History and Science go by fine, as does lunch, but he really wasn’t looking forward to Korean Language. They were reading  _ Romeo and Juliet  _ , which was quite obviously a touchy subject for Jeongin, but he made it into the classroom and sat down without crying, which he counted as a win.

 

In many ways, Jeongin was tired. He found himself zoning out throughout the class, but he was painfully brought to attention when the teacher said, “And we all know romance is a universal human experience.”

 

His entire being begged her to stop for his sake, but she apparently couldn’t pick up the telepathic waves that he was directing her way, because she kept going. 

 

“You all have had crushes before, and even some of you have had boyfriends or girlfriends. While reading this story, I want you all to think about how romance is something that makes us human. Take notes on this and identify two more characteristics hinted at in this that make us human.”

 

Every word of that told Jeongin how broken he was. He was wrong, and broken, and needed to be fixed. He wasn’t human. 

 

Blinking back more tears, he tilted his head back. Jeongin had never been more glad to have been placed in the back of the class. 

 

He took the notes he needed to, and waited for the day to end. Before they were allowed to leave, however, the announcements came on reminding the whole school about the dance taking place in the gym that night. 

 

Jeongin was reminded once again of Hwayoung and he swore in his head. He didn’t want to deal with her, but he also didn’t want to see her that upset again. 

 

At the first ring of the bell, Jeongin almost sprinted toward the door. Hwayoung knew what his last class for today was, and he wanted to try his best to avoid her. It didn’t work

 

“Jeongin-ah!”

 

She was standing right there, and he knew she was pretty, he really did. Jeongin knew he should like her, but he couldn’t draw up the feelings, and she’s standing right there with roses in her hands.

 

Red roses. Red stands for romance. 

 

So as not to upset her, he walks up to her with an awkward wave. 

 

“Hey, Hwayoung-sshi”

 

She perked up and smiled at him. 

 

“I got tired of waiting for you, so I want to ask you-” She stopped, blushing at her own words. “I want to ask if you want to go to the dance with me.”

 

He couldn’t  stop himself. He ran. He  _ wanted _ to say something to her, anything, but he couldn’t find the words, so he ran away from her crying. He made it all the way home before he even thought about stopping. 

 

When he got inside their dorm, he ran right into a very surprised Chan. He didn’t mean to, but he melted into the older boy’s chest, sobbing.

 

Chan instinctively reacted with a protective hug, wrapping his arms around the younger boy.

 

“What’s wrong, Jeongin?”

 

Jeongin couldn’t respond. He couldn’t admit to his leader how broken he was. He just sobbed harder.

 

Chan directed him softly to his own room and sat down on the bed with him. He softly pet Jeongin’s hair and waited for him to speak. 

 

When Jeongin calms down enough he looks up at Chan. “H-hyung?”

 

“Yes, Jeongin?”

 

“I think I’m broken. Something’s wrong with me.” 

 

Chan’s eyebrows knit together. “What do you mean? Did you hurt yourself?”

 

Jeongin shook his head and answered, “No, no, nothing like that it’s just-” His breath caught in his throat. He didn’t know if he could say it.

 

“I haven’t ever liked anyone before.”

 

Chan smiled and hugged Jeongin closer. “Is that really a problem? You’re so young; you have time.”

 

Jeongin shook his head yet again, pointing his eyes at the floor. “I’ve never ever had a crush and I- I don’t think I ever will.”

 

“Oh, Jeongin, that’s perfectly okay and  _ very _ normal,” Chan reassured, “There’s even a whole word for it, if you want to hear it.”

 

He looked up at Chan hopefully. “What is it?”

 

“Well, you see, some people that feel that way call themselves aromantic.”

 

_ Aromantic _ . Something about that word just…  _ clicked _ . It felt like it fit Jeongin so well, and it made him feel more normal.

 

“Really? There are other people like me?”

 

“Oh, yes.”Chan readjusted so that Jeongin was sitting up more. “And they can be happy with themselves.” 

 

Jeongin stopped to think about that. Maybe it wasn’t important to have a crush and romance to be happy. Maybe his friends and family were enough. He wondered if the other people like him, aromantic people, felt so relieved when they found out like he did. Another part of him, a smaller part, wondered if he could ever be happy without a partner, but he pushed it down, deciding instead to feel glad to know that about himself.

 

“Now, Jeongin,” Chan started after a couple of minutes of sitting there together, “do you want to help me start dinner? The other boys will be home soon.” 

 

Jeongin perked up and nodded vigorously, excited to help out around the dorm.

 

While they were preparing all of the ingredients for  _ tteokbokki _ , Changbin, Seungmin, and Hyungjin made it home and wandered into the kitchen to say hi to the others. 

 

“Where’s Felix and the others?” Changbin asked the two who were starting to put things into pans.

 

“Felix is studying Korean in his room, although I think he probably fell asleep, Jisung and Minho are practicing, and Woojin’s getting more groceries for me,” Chan replied almost immediately. 

 

Changbin was slightly taken aback. “I didn’t expect you to actually have an answer for all of them. Are you keeping track, or are people just telling you these things?”

 

“A little bit of both.” 

 

Changbin laughed and shook his head. 

 

“Well, I’m gonna go wake Felix up. He might be able to use some help with Korean.”

 

“You do that.”

 

As Changbin left, Woojin stepped in carrying two bags filled to the brim with groceries, and Chan almost  _ threw  _ himself at the older boy, leaving Jeongin stirring the pan.

 

“Oh my god, thank you so much. It’s so hard cooking for all of you and I didn’t realise we didn’t have sugar anymore and-”

 

Woojin laughs, and Jeongin couldn’t help but smile despite the shitty day. “It’s fine, just take one of these bags for me so I can help put them away without breaking anything.” 

 

So Chan grabbed the plastic bag, and started to put things away, not seeming to realise that he hadn’t told Jeongin what to do next.

 

“Uh, Chan?” Jeongin asked after a couple of seconds, “What do I do now?”

 

Chan left the bag for Woojin to unpack while coaching Jeongin through the rest of the process. After Woojin had left the kitchen for the living room, and when the tteokbokki was almost done, Jisung finally got home.

 

“I’m home!” he announced to the entire dorm, the stupid grin on his face obvious in his voice.

 

“Welcome home!” Chan shouted back in greeting, but then continued, “Come set the table so we can eat!”

 

Jisung grumbled a bit, but he was still bouncing with excitement as he did as he was told.

 

Jeongin, as an observer, found it incredible that Chan ever managed to get all nine of them organised, not to mention getting them all settled down for dinner at the same time. Although, he supposed the promise of food must help.

 

They chat happily as dinner progressed, but Jeongin couldn’t stop thinking about the events of the day and how Chan had said he wasn’t broken. It made him happy to have the support of his leader, and he hoped he might, someday, have everyone’s support in this one thing. 

 

Felix then brought up the idea of ice cream, and all the boys looked to Chan for approval. He has turned ice cream down before, but this time he nodded, saying that today was a day to be happy. He winked at Jeongin, and Jeongin realised that this was directed at  _ his _ happiness, not exactly all day’s happiness - God knows it wasn’t a great day - but directed at the end where he had found acceptance for himself as is.

 

With the promise of ice cream before practice, all the boys filed out the door without a problem, teasing Jeongin lovingly, and Jeongin feels like his place in the world had solidified.

**Author's Note:**

> I'm only a little sorry for making my baby cry. 
> 
> Thank you to my betas @jeongins and @NocturnalAlien (on Ao3) for making sure I had as few mistakes as possible. Go check out their fics! jeongins has amazing Stray Kids fics, and NocturnalAlien is wonderful at bts.  
> (I love you both! Thank you for dealing with my creepy sounding sentences and extensive tense changing!)
> 
> Anyway, thank you for reading this! I hope you liked it!❤️
> 
> _Find me on tumblr at: @lovinmykidstwentyeighteen and talk to me!_


End file.
